Beautiful Mess

Can You Say Little House on the Prairie?

2009-10-01T11:34:00.000-05:00

Meet my mill. We call her Ingalls.When it's time to mill I get Ingalls out and sit her on my counter, pour the wheat kernels in the top, turn her on, (she sounds like a jet engine by the way), and she mills my wheat into flour. I pull out the bowl at the bottom, tighten my bonnet, and bake away! See how easy it is! No heavy duty industrial equipment in my backyard, just a little appliance that fits on my counter.

Why don't I just bake my breads with the flour that I can buy at my friendly Walmart you ask? Why go to all this trouble for a little flour? Well, I have a very good friend who does this and she gave me a little education about wheat. I will do my best to explain to you my bloggy friends what I'm learning, but please know I'm a newby and not an expert on this, and I'm pretty much going to just plagiarize from Sue Becker of Bread Beckers Inc. You can go to their website for more detailed information, and if this interest you I highly recommend it.Click on the site, and then click on articles to read up on more of this information. http://www.breadbeckers.com.

The nutrition that is inside a tiny kernel of wheat is unbelievable, but once it is broken open, as in milling, the oxidation(looses it's freshness because of exposure to air) process begins. After 72 hours about 90% of over 30 nutrients are gone. In the 1920's new technology allowed enterprising millers to separate the components in the wheat. They removed the germ, germ oil, and the bran, and the remaining white flour could be stored for as long as needed. They were selling the bran and wheat germ as high protein food supplements for cattle. Shortly, diseases like beriberi and pellagra drastically increased, and they traced this to vitamin B deficiencies, which was a result of the white flour. Apparently, health officials urged mills to return to producing whole wheat flour again, but they didn't want to loose their money making business of selling the bran and germ as cattle feed. Instead, they replaced 4 vitamins for the 25-30 that were being removed. This solved the issue of beriberi and pellagra, but we now have many diseases that are associated with our consumption of white flour(appendicitis, diverticular disease, hiatal hernia, heart disease, diabetes, obesity and more).

Vitamin E is a significant vitamin to our bodies. The richest source of vitamin E is found in the germ of the wheat kernel. When wheat is milled into flour the vitamin E is very quickly oxidized, so in order to obtain the vitamin E we must eat the kernel whole or use freshly milled flour. I was shocked at how our bodies use vitamin E, and I will try to explain it as I understand it, but remember I'm not the expert so I encourage going to the Bread Becker website. Vitamin E prevents fatty acids and fat-like substances(vitamin A, carotene, pituitary, sex, and adrenal hormones) from being destroyed within the body by oxygen. These fatty acids make up and form the internal structure and wall of every cell in our body, and the connective tissue between every cell in the body. Vitamin E prevents their breakdown and the disintegration of the cell. Since these cells make up every part of our body(organs, skin, blood, hair, and blood vessels), we can only be as healthy as our cells. Much of the foods that naturally contain vitamin E are now being so refined that this nutrient is being destroyed and therefore, we are so under-supplied.

Some of you like me have so many responsibilities you may be wondering when do I find the time. Well, we got our mill and bucket of wheat two years ago in December, and I just started milling. Yeah, I know, but I just felt like when will I add one more thing. I read Sue Becker's Do Not Eat the Bread of Idleness article. If milling interest you at all I recommend going to their website and reading this article. Proverbs 31:27 says that the Proverbs 31 woman watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Idleness simply means meaningless, senseless, or doing nothing. Truth be told, my life feels far from idle, but is some of our running and busyness not what God is asking us to be apart of ? Even if I'm a part of a lot of meaningful activity, if it's not the activity God wants me involved in, well, then it's senseless. Am I constantly asking myself and praying about this family of eights activities? I decided that for me the spiritual health of my family is extremely important, but I feel our physical health is connected to this. I want to pour into my family's overall health and that is why I am making the time to mill our wheat.

I do feel the need to disclose a few more facts. Although, I do love health, we don't always eat healthy. We treat ourselves in moderation, sometimes way more than moderation. If we come to your house and you've used white flour we will most certainly eat it :)! I know that everyone is not going to read this and feel a conviction as I did to start milling, and remember I had my mill, bread, and mixer for almost two years. We can only be where we are, and I would say our greatest work is to just let the Lord lead us from there, step by step.

I Just Want Your Stuff DARNIT!

2009-09-12T15:33:00.000-05:00

Do you ever just struggle with envy? We've been "discussing" envy in the Molegraaf house quite a bit. I have a child who would rather remain nameless that struggles with envy more than the others. Frankly, It's just been gettin on my nerves! A wise man once told me that when something about someone bugs you so much that your volume just gets loud, chances are you have the same issue in way or another. Well, even that just makes me a little ticked!

Truth be told, this mama struggles with envy.

"Life is war. All talk of a Christian's right to live luxuriously 'as a child of the King' in this atmosphere sounds hollow - especially since the King Himself stripped for battle ... An evidence of how many have been deceived by... Western commercialism and materialism is how little we give and how much we have." -John Piper's The Dangerous Duty of Delight. I read this quote and it stirred my heart, and convicted me greatly.

Don't ya just hate when you are trying to "fix" your kids and then God shows you how your walking around with a log in your eye? I feel like in this whole parenting thing it's always right back on me. I'm here trying to raise and teach my children, but in the process I realize I'm the one who needs some teachin!

My advice to my nameless child was that sometimes not having everything we want is really a gift. I related with him, and confessed my struggle. I then told him how when I have a lot of what I want it's kinda like a drug, cause it satisfy's for a little while, but soon enough, I'm on to wanting or "needing" the next thing.

Living this missionary life has given God quite a bit of control over our finances. If you know me well you know this has been a struggle for me, but I'm moving into a time of joyfully receiving this as a gift. I'm beginning to realize how I was finding joy in "stuff", but it was a counterfeit joy. This is why it never kept me full, I had this constant longing. God withholding some of the unnecessary "stuff" has surely been a gift to this little greedy girl.

Going without some "stuff" has allowed my heart to experience true joy. After you experience true joy for a while, you recogonize when your settling for the counterfeit. I'm thinkin God's on to the fact that I need a little longer on this, cause He's still asking me to go without some things that I'm struggling with not having.

I'm guessing that when my children see mama content and full of joy without so much stuff, they'll find their way in this also. I'm learning that I can't teach what I'm not living.

God, would you continue to fill me with true joy, even if it means going without some "stuff", even if you know it needs to be for a long time? Would you help me to be about what your about? Thanks for never giving up on me God, and for loving me enough to not give me everything I think I "need". It sure is helping me to experience so much more of you.

Healing Please!

2009-09-09T22:56:00.000-05:00

I love when I'm seeking God's answers to questions I have, and He reveals a truth that I know will change me, forever.

The question I've had for Him lately is "Why, Lord, do I lose my temper and end up being so harsh with my children?" I know we all have our weak moments, but this is something I'm just not okay with, and I've been pleading with God to make me different in this area for quite some time.

There have been pieces to this healing over the years, but today so much came together. My heart just "got it", and for me, knowing the why behind my behavior is always a beginning road to healing.

The answer I heard as I asked God "why? why do I get so worked up, and end up yelling and losing my temper?", was that I have a selfishness issue. God then showed me how a lot of my selfishness comes from childhood wounds.

One of my big ones is growing up without my Daddy. He was not there for most of my life. Little girls depend on things like having our daddy's around. While, I had a step Dad who did a lot of things right, there were also a lot of things he did get very, very, wrong. As a little girl I could remember thinking that if my Daddy only knew how my step Dad was treating my brother and I, then he would come and save us. As time passed the hope of this ever happening grew less and less.

Growing up, so much of my life was out of my control. Things I should have been able to depend on, I couldn't. Very quickly I began to control all of my relationships and many of my circumstances. I controlled and manipulated people, my fears ruled, and I was very selfish in many ways. There was so much dysfunction in the way I handled friends, boyfriends, and family. This was a way I had learned to "self protect" myself at a very young age and it just continued to grow.

As I carried on this conversation with God, He revealed to my heart that most of my "losing it" comes when my "agenda" is not carried out. I have an "expectation" of how I think things should go, and when they don't I have a choice to make. I can choose to believe the truth, that the God of this universe controls every single situation, and if He has allowed a certain hiccup in my day, then it has purpose, or I can fight it. When I do fight it, I find myself short tempered, and treating the people I love the most in unfair ways. It's a selfishness issue. I want what I want, when I want it!

My dysfunctions seem to rear their ugly head when life gets hard, and hello, I don't know about you, but over here a lot of days are just hard! My work here, is to not have so many stinkin "expectations", hold loose to my "agenda", and be willing to very quickly let it go! Children are not robots, and I'm not real sure why I expect mine to be completely trained obedient adults when they are five :)! God has given me the gift of awareness, and he has shown me some of the why, behind my behavior. Now I will just invite Him to be who He is, and heal my heart. He is my Healer!

Sometimes, I wonder why the Lord has trusted me with all of these kids, and is He sure I'm supposed to home school them, all of them, really? There are so many days when I'm certain he picked the wrong girl! Then I'm reminded of the truth, God never makes a mistake. Six kids and home school just seems to stir the pot of my dysfunctions, but I'm entertaining the thought that these situations are all part of my "healing" journey. May-be home school is for me? May-be God loves me too much to let my life be "easy"? When I think of times that I've really learned something, something that's changed who I am for the better, it's always been hard. The truth is I never want to stay the same. I want to be different tomorrow than what I was today.

I must choose, even when it's hard, I will choose not to run my life! Today I choose to have a plan, but to hold it loosely, so that when my plan is tossed aside, it's okay!

Lord, I know this will not always be easy. Thank you for revealing this truth to me. I give it to you. I know my healing will come through abiding in you, so that your heart can flow out of me. I want to treat my kids the way You treat me. Change me God, heal me.

I am a Work Alcoholic!!

2009-09-03T12:26:00.000-05:00

Hans and I were chatting the other day about workalcoholism. Not real sure that's a word, but you get it. Well, he was sharing with me that he has always thought himself to do really well in this area of balancing family/work. I used to think we did too.

Recently, at Family Life, we have had to lay off several people due to the condition of the economy. This means less people, but same work load. Hans has been finding himself coming home stressed out, feeling as though he just didn't do enough that day, and having a hard time being really present with us. This has been a topic of conversation for a while for us, and he just came to the realization that maybe he's a workaholic after all. Even though he leaves and says this work will always be here, and now it's time to go home, he comes home torn up over all he still needs to do. He confessed that their are many times it consumes him, and no matter how hard and diligent he was for that day, he still feels as though he should have accomplished more. Hmmmm.......

This got me thinking about myself and my struggle. I have been having a hard time too. We started school in August and since then I feel torn up inside also. I realized that at the end of the day I'm frustrated. I can work myself into a frenzy at night just thinking about all I need to accomplish the next day. Often times my day seems impossible before it's even started. Hans will ask me to voice what I need to do the next day, thinking if I just hear it I'll realize it's not as bad as it seems. Then I give him the list, and he responds by telling me that he's overwhelmed just hearing it, he explains to me how it seems extremely unrealistic to think that any human being could accomplish all that I have set out to accomplish in one day. When I return to my sane mind and think it through, I realize he's right.

I ask you then, why do I continue to put this pressure on myself? I can advise Hans all day long, to just make his list in priority, work diligent to the Lord, and rest at the end of the day by coming home and enjoying his family. The truth of the matter is that a large portion of my "job" is to love on, pour into, and care for our children. I know this is the right "answer" so why can my heart not grab on to this truth and live as though it really is the truth?

It seems I start living in this dysfunction when my life is stressful or feels out of my control. Hello, six days out of seven my life is stressful. This stress isn't going anywhere, so I must break free from this lie! This is why I love weekends, summer, people who visit form out of town, or when friends just pop in. For some reason my heart gives my brain permission to rest and enjoy.

I think the frustrating thing for me, is that with six children four of which are homeschooling, two toddlers running wild, laundry, meals, and sanity, there just isn't a whole lot of time for anything else. Why do I think I should be able to have my coffee time with God, workout, blog, school, play with the babies, lunch, clean, laundry, clean out a closet or two, organize my school stuff, cook supper, and oh, have something left for my husband when he comes home. This was my "to do" list yesterday, and when Hans heard it he told me that it was crazy. I knew the night before he was right, but at the end of the day I felt defeated because it wasn't all done. When the Lord called me to home school, I knew this meant sacrifices in other areas, Bible Studies, lunch with friends, spotless house, extravagant meals, meal planning altogether, (praise God for e-mealz), a shower; yeah, I'm not always guaranteed a shower until right before bed. The truth is my heart is willing to sacrifice these things for the call to home school.

I'm not sure of the exact definition of a workaholic, and most days we pull away form the work and say "no", but all the while torn up inside thinking about how we just needed more time to "do" more work. In context of looking at the heart, I think it's the same. So, today I recognize and confess that I am a workaholic.

God, I know enough to know that it's your power alone that changes me. I have just been ponying up and walking away from the work, but still feeling utterly controlled by it. I need your truth to change my heart, this is a heart issue. Continue to call me to Your truth, and let it change me, from the inside out.

True Joy Anyone?

2009-09-02T13:02:00.000-05:00

I'll have a shot of that! A shot of true joy, that is. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say true joy? It's very different than happiness. Don't get me wrong, I got nothing against happiness. I like being happy, but joy is different. I'm happy when things around me are just flowing. When I have true joy it just fills me no matter my circumstances. When I have it, it seems to control me, and my heart is full of peace and truth. So, my question is ,if I love joy so much why do I let some of my days go by where I experience so little of it?

I read yesterday the words of good ol' Oswald Chambers. He said "living a full and overflowing life does not rest in bodily health, in circumstances, nor even in seeing God's work succeed, but in the perfect understanding of God, and in the same fellowship and oneness with Him that Jesus Himself enjoyed." Oswald is saying I can enjoy the same oneness and fellowship Jesus did with God. Yeah, I'd like that! He also said that it can be stolen by giving too much thought to our circumstances. Jesus' words are that, "the cares of this world....choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful." (Mark 4:19) After reading this I just sat and thought, what is choking a full and overflowing life from me? What am I allowing to steal my joy? Is it true, I mean really true, that in some of life's hardest situations I can still experience joy?

I thought through some of my greatest heartaches that I've walked through with the Lord. We buried our baby Kamryn after only 30 days of life. Caleb was extremely sick when he was born and my heart was gripped with fear that we would bury him too. We have had times where we didn't know how we would pay bills or buy Christmas gifts. The list goes on, and I know it does for all of us because we all have hurts. I have hurts and hard circumstances that we are dealing with right now. Today my daily life is what I allow to rob me of my joy.

I know that this joy that Oswald and Jesus speak of is real. I know it's real because time and time again I've experienced it! I just want to experience more of it. I want to have it in my day to day, in my normal routine that I'm not always excited about. I want full life and true joy in some of the mundane jobs of just being a mom. Can I have this joy when I'm doing a mountain of laundry and I don't want to be? How about when we are doing school and the kids just aren't getting it, or they're just being difficult? What about when the house is a wreck, and even when I clean I get nowhere cause the mess is just so stinkin much? How about when as full time missionary's we just aren't bringing in enough donations to get a full paycheck? I can so easily get wrapped up in circumstances, and very quickly have my joy hijacked! I do think however, that even in the midst of all of life's yuck, I can experience full life and true joy, and I think God's heart longs for me to experience this.

For me the only answer to experiencing this true joy lies here in this verse: "Abide in Me, and I will abide in you. A branch cannot bear fruit if it is disconnected from the vine, and neither will you if you are not connected to Me." (John 15:4)

Lord, will you give my heart a longing to abide in you today?

LAST TO BED-FIRST TO RISE!!

2008-09-15T08:14:00.012-05:00

Me and my Caleb-he was playing house,and this was his outfit!! HA!

This morning was a glorious morning.....sorta.

We started our Fall schedule, and for those of you who know me you know this can be a little difficult for me. My nature is to fly by the seat of my pants, but I do realize the freedom a schedule brigs to our family and how essential it is for a homeschooling family. So, last night my amazingly organized husband created a schedule for every member of our family.

This morning I was sipping my coffee under a blanket reading God's word and just having some special time with Him. Then I hear it.....the sound of little feet. Little feet that should still be sleeping. Even though I don't see the little feet I know who's feet they are...Caleb. He was the last to fall asleep last night, but the first to rise!! You would think that since I'd been up having quiet time with my Lord that my response to my sweet Caleb would be, well......sweet??? I must confess my first thought was something like- How can I tie that boy to his bed?!

Caleb turns the corner and enters the room with the biggest bed head ever. He has this precious smirk, and he is carrying his Bible. He doesn't say a word he just sits next to me and opens his little Bible. My heart melts. He looks my way and in his sweet Caleb voice says " I'm gonna have my quiet time Mama". Preciousness.

I begin to realize that he is only copying his mommy. Now in this situation I love that he is copying my behavior and it was a sweet precious moment, but I couldn't help but wonder what behaviors of mine he is copying that aren't so precious? Ouch.
What behaviors are just second nature to him because he's seen his mama live them out?

God thank you for my sweet Caleb. Would you empower me to be the mama that would point his little heart to yours? Father, when I get it wrong, and I confess sometimes I do, would you help me cling to your grace and forgiveness? Lord, would you let his little heart see and understand the truth that we all get it wrong sometimes, but you have us covered. Oh, and thank you Father for the times I get it right!!

Word of the Day

2008-08-04T20:56:00.006-05:00

One of my favorite words right now is BIAPER. Translation in the English language- DIAPER. Caleb started the BIAPER trend and my heart ached when he learned to say it correctly, but now my sweet Tinslee says BIAPER, and I love it. She has been potty-trained for some time now, but still wears a Biaper to bed.

This morning I was alone downstairs sipping my coffee when I heard the approach of the BIAPER. My sweet Tinslee comes down the stairs very quiet,and the only sound I hear is her little feet taking one step at a time, and the swish swish of the BIAPER. She greets me with a sweet morning grin and then runs to jump in my arms. When she runs all I hear is that BIAPER.

I dread the day when our house will have no more BIAPER sounds.

Lord Jesus, Please forgive me for the days I complain about all the BIAPERS. Help me to remember in the chaos the thankfulness my heart feels now.

When the Fog Lifts

2008-04-18T11:29:00.007-05:00

Do you ever feel like your in a fog?? Do you ever feel like there is no way it can possibly be as bad as it feels, but then why does it feel so bad? Do you ever find yourself wondering when you are going to catch a break, a breath, or a vacation? Here's a glance into my fog.

Home school. I don't think I even need to say anything else on that one.

Hans and I are both so overwhelmed and busy we have been in a contest of who does more and who's job is harder.

Everything in Arkansas is in bloom, and I found out our great state is on a top 10 list for one of the worst places to live with allergies. I have the worst allergies right now. I'm talking a nose that runs like a faucet on high, nonstop sneezing, and eyes that itch and burn like fire. I started taking Zyrtec which has been drying up my milk. The Zyrtec stopped working, and my milk supply seems to be fading.

Cal my nine month old LOVES to nurse. I love that he LOVES to nurse except that there hasn't been very much milk for him due to the Zyrtec. I have shared before that my plan is to nurse him until he's three or so cause he's the last baby. I am very aware that I need to just let it go and move on into the next season, but I just don't think I can. Dysfunctional? Yes, but I can live with that. Anyway, he doesn't like food or formula. Nothing!! He only wants my milk, and while this is very good for my holding onto baby dysfunction, he's starving. You can imagine the stress.

Cal is also teething. We just cut tooth #1 and still going.

Our sweet friends went to Ireland and so we have been keeping their 3 girls. These are some of the sweetest most obedient children I know, but it's still 9 children. I don't think I need to say anything more.

Poop anyone?? I hate poop. I don't want to wipe another hiney or change one more poopy diaper. Tinslee who is 2&1/2 is totally ready to be potty trained, but I have no idea who will train her.

Seasons are changing which means I must go through 5 closets, (Kylie does her own) and pack up clothes that don't fit and go through the attic to get out the ones that do. This is a job that will make any grown woman want to lay on the floor and kick and scream a fit.

If you are still reading my pity potty list you either love me a lot, can totally relate, or just have sheer pity on my complaining spirit. I figure these are real issues that real mommies wrestle with, and denying that these feelings exist gets me no where. Talking about my dysfunctions shifts something in my heart, and gives me true perspective.

I was in this defeated place all day yesterday and felt more hopeful this morning until Tinslee stuck her hand in her oatmeal and smeared it in her hair, all over her highchair, and the wall. Where was her mommy you ask? I was trying to talk on the phone! When I discover what she's done I explain to my sweet friend Christie what happened and tell her I need to go. She responds by saying "awe.... you know Star I know when your in the middle of it it's so annoying, but I miss having little ones around making those kind of messes". I hang up and Kylie comes down to help me clean the mess while I feed Cal. She turns on the radio and we start tag teaming Tinslee's mess and feeding the baby. A country song comes on that talks about one day missing these days and wishing they hadn't gone by so fast. Christie's words and this song are on repeat in my brain. I realize God is speaking. I begin to just take it in. Something begins to shift and I start to feel like the luckiest woman alive.

The fog is lifting and suddenly I can see. Here is some truth.....

Home school is hard, but I feel so called to it, and love having my children here with me. I am reminded nothing good and worth so much comes easy. God never promised me easy, but he did promise to carry my burdens and walk through them with me, but I must let Him in. The challenge for me is to look to him constantly. Relationship.

Hans and I are daily gaining more compassion for each other. I am realizing that while my life feels hard and busy he is faced with challenges that I am thankful I don't have.

I found a new allergy medicine that shouldn't affect my milk and Cal started eating food!!

Our friends girls left yesterday to finish their stay with another family.

Caleb started wiping his own hiney and Tinslee all on her own has gone potty 3x all by herself today. This has me dancing a jig!

As for the clothes, well I'm gonna take them all out back and burn them. My kids are allowed 2 pair of underwear and 2 outfits each. I know this means I'll have to wash everyday, but I already do that. This will just make for less clothes and no fights on what to wear. Here's to hoping the fog lifts on this one before I start burning.

Christie, thank you for being a voice of truth into my life today.

Sweet Friends

2008-04-10T13:53:00.021-05:00

My sweet friend Lorren and her girls Zoi and Audra came and spent eight days with us for spring break. I know this may seem like a long time, and while there are not many I could tolerate for eight days, the Havens family is different. Our families gel really well together and always have. There was a time they lived with us for a two week period. Our families have vacationed together and one time all stayed in the same condo. We also had a the gift of getting to live just doors down from each other for six months before we moved.

Lorren and I have been friends for over seven years. We met back when Zac was almost one and Zoi was just 17 months. They moved to Texas from Colorado and Lorren and I just clicked. Our husbands connected almost immediately also. Hans and Aaron still to this day share a friendship that I am learning is rare and not easy to come by for men.

When Lorren and I met we were four months pregnant with the same exact due date. We were both having little girls, my Ryland who was one week early and her Audra who was one week late. Two little girls just two weeks apart best friends since birth.

Just two weeks after they left to go back home Ryland came and asked me very seriously that if she were to dig a wishing well and throw in her money with a wish, would her wish come true? She then told me she wanted to wish that Audra could come to live with us all the time.

Quite honestly that would work just fine for me. Hans would leave for work and Lorren and would tend the flock. We joked about being able to be super mom with the two of us together. If I were cooking dinner and needed to take care of a little one... no worries Lorren to the rescue. Super mom would sail in and save the day. I would turn my back to laundry, dinner or cleaning and when I would return it was done. We were unstoppable. Life for the first time ever was under control from discipline to what shoes should I wear with these pants? It was truly like having two brains and just when one was shutting down no fear Super Mom is hear!

We wondered if this was what it was like back in biblical days when some of the men had multiple wives? Now don't worry we didn't have to share husbands or anything sick like that.

We had such a great time just laughing together. I'm pretty sure we had Sonic or Starbucks everyday sometimes both in one day. Dr. Pepper was just what the doctor ordered all week long, that is until we couldn't zip our pants. There were several occasions we laughed so hard we nearly wet our pants. There were numerous times when Kylie my 13 year old said "y'all are so weird". When Kylie told her best friend some of the crazy things we did her friend said, "see Kylie they're just like us only older." I think they were somewhat relieved to see that even we still have some growing up to do.

Shortly after we left Texas to come to Arkansas God called their family to move to Oklahoma. I'm not sure why we have to live so far away from each other, but I am very thankful that even with the miles our families share such a rich friendship.

Ryland and I are off to dig our wishing well.

I Want More

2008-03-12T01:28:00.009-05:00

I don't know what is happening to me. I used to be able to tank up on caffeine and sleep like a baby, but now if I have any caffeine in the evening I am up writing blogs at 1:30 am. Tonight, after laying in bed awake for almost an hour, I asked God if there something I should be doing instead of laying here awake just listening to Hans sleep peacefully after his four cups of coffee. A thought quickly popped into my heart,and I suspect it was God speaking, 'Come and spend time with me.' I answer back, 'Oh yeah, God, we missed that today.' I quickly dismiss the thought with 'Naaa, I'll save that for morning when I really need it.' WHA?? I quickly catch my thought process.

Is that what you are to me God? Am I seeking you primarly because I need you to be one of my fixes? Do I seek you mainly cause there's something in it for me, something for me to gain in this relationship? Is there really that much selfish ambition in my love for you? Yes.

I compared this situation to my relationship with Hans simply because he is someone I love so much. Do I desire time with Hans because I gain something or because I just wanna be with him? Well, usually my motive is because I just wanna be with him. I love him, I love hanging out, talking and sharing myself completely with him. I love hearing his heart and everything that he's experiencing.

When I have time with Hans it does build intimacy, love, trust and so much more, but these things are not my primary motive in being with him. I confess that not everyday in married life is like this and there are days when I don't feel like talking or going on our date, but I go through the motions because I have faith in what they produce. These "things" bring life into our marriage. I will say that I am thankful that right now this is not the primary motivation of my heart. My primary motivation is that I just love this man and I want to be with him.

God often uses my relationship with Hans to show me truth in my relationship with Him. He is showing me that if I can love Hans, who is this imperfect human, with such an amazing love how much more could I love God? He is also showing me that if Hans, in his imperfections, is so good at loving me how much greater is God's love for me? You see, I believe that God knows when I tap into more of his love, there is no greater gift that I could ever receive.

I want to be able to love God with this same motive. I realize that this will never be perfect, but I must confess I want more. I believe in life we are never just on cruise control. I confess that when I first heard this it felt extreme, but yet it has proved true for me, I am either headed in a direction of oneness or moving away from it. I can trick myself into believing that I'm just coasting along, but really when I am satisfied with things just as they are I find I am just growing content with not growing.

I want God to change my heart in the primary reason why I seek him. I want to long to be with him just because I love him so much. I want to desperately desire alone time with him to listen and to hear the intimate things of his heart, and to share myself completely with him. I know that naturally I reap what comes with this beautiful relationship, I only desire that my motive be different. I know that over the years in my walk with God I continue to enter into new places of love with him. These new places of intimacy are almost indescribable. I want more.

Looking at that picture of Hans and I, we were just two kids raising one another. I was so happy, just married, in love with him and our precious baby girl. However, looking back I am so thankful that God has taken that love and made it so much more. Just because it is more today doesn't mean it wasn't beautiful then, but I do believe that just as we grow and change physically God desires that we grow and change spiritually as well.

I know enough to know that only the Holy Spirit can change this heart of mine, so tonight (or this morning rather) at 1:59 am, I ask you God: would you change this heart of mine? Would you do what only you can do, and cause it to chase after you simply because of who you are? Open the eyes of my heart that I may understand more of your love. I believe that if I just understood, if I just "got it"- WOW!

Lavish me Lord.

What is Grace Anyway?

2008-02-23T23:35:00.009-06:00

This was taken just moments after giving birth to Tinslee Hope. A very special time in my life where God was showing me the beauty of not only being saved by his grace, but living in it daily as well.

Grace. I love Grace. For it is by grace that I have been saved.

What is grace?

Grace is God's merciful activity that gives undeserving people like me the desire, power, and resources to live as he designed.

I have been a Christian - a lover of God - for 14 years now. It has been and continues to be the most amazing journey of my life. Just when I think the lights are coming on and I am "getting it" I realize there is so much more. I want more.

Our church is in the middle of a sermon series on grace, our small group is studing it, and H and I can't stop talking about it.

Can you really study grace? Can we as humans ever understand it? Our equipping pastor compared it to trying to fit the ocean in a bottle. I couldn't agree more.

Do you ever sit and wonder how your children will describe you when you're old, and what they will tell their children you were like as a mom? Do you wonder what will be said of you at your funeral? How will the ones you loved most deeply describe the heart of who you were?

There are alot of things I would love to be remembered by, but one thing that drastically stands out is grace. I would love to be remembered as a woman who lavished (give in great amounts or without limit) God's grace on people.

Why do I want to be known for Grace? Grace was lavished on me at a very difficult and pivotal time in my life. It was a time when I couldn't see or even feel God. He used a beautiful woman to pour his grace into my life, and it forever changed me and my legacy.

For me, at this particular place in my journey, grace just sums up who God is. He is just this daddy with this perfect love for me and there is nothing that can seperate me from it. Not death or life, angels or demons, present or future, or any powers. Not height or depth or anything in all creation could make God love me less or more than He allready does. I don't want anyone I know and love to miss this beautiful, life-changing gift. Therefore, I want it to make up every part of who I am. I want to just breathe grace. I want people I encounter to be different because I showed them some of who God is.

I'm not sure if you've experienced grace, but experiencing it daily I'm convinced I couldn't breathe without it. When I'm left to having to be good enough, or feel as though I need to measure up in some area, it feels so suffocating. As I cling closer and closer to the one who just makes grace what it is, I begin to see it sneak out in my life. I'm surprised sometimes by my reaction to things and find myself wondering....where did that come from? I am realizing that the more I cling helplessly to my creator, king, and lover of my soul, I'm receiving his grace. As I receive this beautiful gift of God for myself I am somehow more able to give it away.

God would you lead this heart of mine into the place of living from your grace daily? Then Lord Jesus would you equip me to share it with every single person I can.

I once was lost, but now I'm found, once blind, but now (most days) I see.

Grace - it leads me here in my everday life, and it is the very heart of what will one day lead me home.

This is dedicated to a very special woman who was someone that stood out in my life as a living, breathing example of God and his grace.

Thank you Sue.

What the heck is a Holler?

2008-02-16T17:11:00.005-06:00

Click on the song to go with this blog to get the full effect.

The Holler??

So while staying at Beaver Lakefront Cabins for our anniversary there were many stories, but here’s one I love.

There’s a lodge where the sweet man who runs the place is at during the day. H went into the lodge one day to get a movie for us to watch. While there he was talkin’ to this sweet man whom he refers to as “that good ol’ boy”. He comes back and informs me of the conversation. You must know we came up early because of the weather. Well it was so bad just hours after we got here that people leaving had to get a tow truck to get them out and apparently no one was gettin’ in either. Hans was askin’ “that good ol’ boy if people were able to get in yet.

Good ol’ boy said, "...yea seems to be alright cep down der in da holler some folks is havin’ trouble."

Hans (thinkin’), "what the heck is a holler?"

On H's walk back to the cabin he remembers Randy Travis' classic song, "Deeper than the Holler" and sings it all day long. He’s tellin’ me how he likes the word holler and he’d like to incorporate it into his everyday vocabulary. So all morning I heard him find ways to use the word holler and sing his very own rendition of this song. Trust me, it sounded nothin’ like the original. When Hans sings a song and doesn’t know the words, which happens to be a common occurrence, he just sings whatever he thinks should fit. Let me just tell you it was the entire song. He had the tune down, and the part about your love being deeper than the holler, and that’s about it. Let's just say if I never hear the word holler again it'll be to soon.

Truth be told this is one of the many things I love about this man.

My Man

2008-02-04T13:37:00.000-06:00

H and I just celebrated fourteen years of marriage. We went away to a beautiful cabin on a lake and just enjoyed being together. I love this man and I love that I get to share our crazy beautiful life with him. I can't believe there was a time when I couldn't imagine living one more day with him, and today I'm not sure I could breathe without him. You must know that I have a little dysfunction in needing him a teeny bit too much, but I'm workin' on it. I also know that God gave H to me for reasons that are far beyond my understanding. H has a beautiful way of making me want to be so much more. God used Hans to show me a glimpse of what God's love for me is like and daily God uses this man to change me into the woman he created me to be.

Hans loved me when I was anything but loveable. There was a time in our marriage when I believed that if I could just get away from him I would be happy. Hans pursued me by chasing after God. I watched an amazing transformation in his heart and it gave me hope. This beautiful love that I experienced pointed me to a perfect lover of my soul and forever changed my life.

Here is a little bit of who he is......

He is surrendered to God. There are many times in our marriage that we think we know the way only to discover that we don't. I love that Hans will lead us in the direction he feels God leading us even if it doesn't make sense.

He is vulnerable. I love that he shares himself with me and others. Hans opens himself up and I get to watch God at work and it is beautiful.

He is humble. He leads the way in what we refer to as "owning your stuff". He teaches our children that we all make mistakes, alot, and that admitting them is the first step to any lasting change.

He is tender. He teaches our boys that "Molegraaf Men" cry sometimes...and it's okay.

He is a warrior. He would fight for me (sometimes to his fault). He would defend me to the death and I never doubt he would sacrifice himself for me or our children.

He is passionate. He can get very excited about things he believes in. Some may think we are a little "high drama" in our family. I think it's passion.

He is a servant. He takes care of me and does it with joy.....most days. He does a way better job at serving me than I do for him. He makes me want to be more like him in this area.

He is young at heart. Some days, if you watch closely, you can see he is merely a 12 year old boy trapped in a 34 yr old mans body. This is precious to watch.

He loves to dance, and even though he can't, he does and it's hilarious. I love that he laughs at himself and lets us laugh with him.

He openly admits that he wishes he had long straight hair. I adore his curls and wouldn't have it any other way!

He sometimes has a mild case of road rage. If someone cuts him off or gives him an ugly look or gesture he gets this sorta possessed look and transforms before your very eyes into a road rager.

He also has a temper, looses self control, talks harsh to me and our children sometimes. He openly struggles with control and judgment. You see, he is a normal man with struggles just like every man, but I love that he leads the way for our family to cling to the only one who can change us. He admits his stuff and sometimes shocks me and others with his honesty. He is doing an amazing job at teaching our family what grace looks like by daily needing it for himself. He reminds me that perfection is unattainable and I only need Jesus because me trying to measure up just isn't gonna work.

Hans David, if I could choose for myself any man in the whole wide world to be married to I would choose you. You are a perfect gift to me from God above. Happy Anniversary Baby.

God thank you for this man that you've given me. Could we please live long lives together serving you? God grow us closer to you and each other and don't let us stay the same. Would you let us be changed daily? Could we be different tomorrow than what we are today?

Profound Thoughts

2008-01-23T22:20:00.000-06:00

This is the Tub I am Pretending to be in.

Tonight I decided to take a hot bath, sip a glass of red wine, and just relax in my tub. When I escape like this I start to think...ya know random / deep thoughts. I thought I'd let you in on some of what goes through this head of mine. Now prepare yourself people and please don't be intimidated with the depth of thought.

- This tub is SICK!! I can't believe I am actually taking a bath in this thing. Our house was built in the early 80's and we have the original bathroom. It seems someone tried to fix the cracks with the wrong type of caulk and now there is permanent mold in the caked on caulk. Why do people feel the need to cover with caulk? Someone who lived here before was caulk happy.

- Lord thank you for my children. Thank you that they are home with me. Please help me to remain self controlled tomorrow when we do school. Lord I want school to be fun. That's it...tomorrow we are gonna make homemade donuts, and I'm gonna enjoy schooling my kids no matter how hard it is, and no matter what happens. Please forgive me for threatening to send Zac back to school.

- Man this tub is sick. Maybe we should consider re-doing our bathroom with some of our tax return money.

- Lord you know what? I am sorry for having such a complaining spirit. This is what you have given us and it's enough. In fact Lord it's more than enough. Thank you God for my bathroom. Thank you that I have a tub. Lord I really want to be content. I want to be like Paul when he said he's had plenty and he has gone without, and he was cool with whatever you chose for him. That's how I want to be Lord...content. Could you please help me to be more content?

- Man what is up with all this fat? I am soooo SICK of this fat. That's it, the party is over. I'm gettin' serious (I hold about 20 pounds when I am nursing a baby...diets never matter...OK maybe i don't exactly diet). I am cutting sugar drastically, I mean drastic. Dr. Pepper, its over! This little free for all love affair we've had going on, it's over. Eating after 6pm (okay lets say 7pm) that's done too. While nursing I crave massive amounts of sugar, junk food, all the stuff I would normally consider a treat. Yeah, it's part of my everyday diet while nursing, and I totally know that while I'm nursing I have zero self control and theres NO WAY I'm given up my goodies. It is serious time people. This time I mean it- I'm DONE!!!

- Man I can't help it Lord this tub it's just SICK!!! I think we are gonna have to get a bid on this bathroom. I mean anyone in there right mind would fix this bathroom. Why wait until we need to move out to fix it? I want to enjoy it and what's wrong with that? Hans and I deserve that. Lord could you please provide a way for a new bathroom, and give us wisdom, and oh yeah Lord I still want to be content, but can I please be content in my new bathroom??

- Man I have ISSUES!! We are talkin serious issues.

- It's gettin kinda hot and I'm hungry. I don't care if it's 10:30pm. I'm hungry! I think I'll have a snack. I'll get serious tomorrow.

Are these crazy thoughts? Maybe. Or it could be the fact that I have six children and I'm homeschooling them... HELLO!!! Maybe it's the nursing hormones. Maybe I'm pregnant! That would be so awesome. Maybe I'm with child... except that we had a vasectomy, and we were highly advised not to have anymore children, yeah that could be a little scary. Relax I'm not pregnant. I'm just a crazy normal mom who cherishes her crazy nonstop life, and I just shared a bit of it with you.

Desperate

2008-01-13T17:26:00.000-06:00

Our Family About to Receive our Greatest Gift in 07- Look how HUGE I was!!

Getting This Sweet Gift Made our Year!

In worship this past weekend we sang the song Breathe. The lyrics speak of being desperate for God and being lost without him. I have sang this song many times and today something just took over. You know the times in worship when it just feels like the entire sanctuary is anointed with God's presence. I know that He's always there, but I'm talking about when you can just FEEL it with every part of your heart. This was a time for me when I wanted to kneel, cry or just lift my hands to heaven in utter surrender to my King. In that moment I was desperate and somehow completely free.

Hans and I talked about the service afterward and as I shared my experience with him I began to reflect on 2007 and our desperate year. Last year was full of much difficult change for our family.

We began the year with three months under our belt in Little Rock, Arkansas. We left the only place our entire family has ever called home....Texas. We left almost all of our family and many close friends. I loved our life in Texas...our church, friends, and our kids friends. God interrupted our somewhat comfortable life with an undeniable call on both our hearts to come serve Him full time as missionary staff with Family Life.

In the beginning we were eager to pursue this call and all that God had for us in our journey, however when the rush wore off and I actually had to move the grief set in. I was afraid and lonely and if I'm honest wanted to go back home. The only thing keeping me in Little Rock was this call on my heart. I went through periods of doubt. Did Hans and I really hear God? Was it really He who called our hearts here? Would I ever like it here? Would this place ever be home for us?

I was a desperate girl who felt lost and alone I needed God so much.

Not only was I in a strange city, Hans was going to have a real job now. For the last seven years Hans had worked from home and never a forty hour work week. He was very hands on with our family and we spent alot of time together. Now I'm in Little Rock and God took my best friend to go serve Him full time. I felt more alone than ever. Let me see, I get to do what I've always done, only I move away from everyone I love, and I get to do it now without my husband? If I'm honest (I've had a few eyebrows raised at my honesty) I felt God stole my husband to go and serve Him when I needed Hans here with me.

I was a lonely, desperate girl. I needed my God.

Here comes the topper - are you ready? We're gonna have a baby in 2007!!
Lets just say this news took both of us some time to adjust to.

Lonely, desperate, and pregnant. I'm thinking God is not coming through on His promise to never give me more than I can handle. On top of all of this Hans Isn't feeling his job is a fit for him, but still we feel called, angry, frustrated, and desperate.

The year goes on and we find a church home and a small group with friends we feel connected too. God is teaching me irreplaceable truth in the midst of my pain. He is showing me things I'm certain I wouldn't have seen had I not been in my pain and so desperate. I rememember that someone much wiser than I told me when we reported to Family Life, "God is much more interested in doing something in you than through you." I felt hard pressed, persecuted, but not abandoned, lonely and desperate, but somehow more free.

On June 27th Calvin Stephen makes his entrance. He has issues with his platelet counts and they aren't sure why. After delivery I am hemorrhaging and they have to do emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. The sweet doctor who has a conviction against any permanent birth control tells us he would recommend we pray about not having more children and that in his medical opinion I shouldn't give birth to any more. Cal is in the hospital I'm having a difficult recovery and again I'm tempted to doubt. I just want my family my friends. God, I wanna go home.

Cal is a hard baby who wants to nurse less than every two hours and he wants me to hold him all the time. He never naps longer than twenty minutes at a time and I'm exhausted. Something is different though, this desperate girl has her God whom she is clinging to and she feels empowered. Empowered to let things go undone. Empowered to trust God to lead me, sometimes minute by minute.

Arkansas is beginning to feel like home, and I'm loving being a mom again in spite of my circumstances. I start longing to have my other children here instead of at school. That's right HOME SCHOOLING!!! At the end of 07 we feel certain, as certain as you can that were to bring Zac and Ryland home.

It's January of 2008 and Little Rock is a beautiful place to live. I am entering into a place in my relationship with God where I'm asking Him to show me what it's like to love Him more than I love Hans. I want to depend on Him for things I look for Hans to fill. I am seeing the health this is bringing for my own heart and into my marriage. I don't want to just to say that God is my number one, but to experience loving Him more, with the truest part of my heart.

Hans loves his new job at the ministry. He feels alive, excited, and challenged. Cal is a healthy precious baby who is teaching me beautiful things on unconditional love, rest, and being able to focus on what matters. He is my reminder that surrender is a beautiful place to be because I rarely really know what I need, but God knows, and thankfully his vote trumps mine. We have started home schooling and it is hard, but I feel so full of joy to have my children here and to get to be with them.

There are still many hardships that I know we will face in 08 and I know enough to know that following God is anything but easy. I also know the most precious valuable lessons in my life were through painful, hard circumstances. God is teaching me to find him in the midst of the chaos, pain, and confusion, and to be controlled by him and not my circumstances. I suppose this is what God is talking about in the book of James when he tells me to give thanks for my trials because trials test my faith and this develops perseverance. He tells me perserverance must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

I confess that I don't like trials much, but I do long to be complete, and to be without lack...what's that? Sometimes I tell Hans and I am tempted to believe that I just want a comfortable easy life. Money, health, family, friends and good times. If there is one thing I know about myself I know that a comfortable life does not bring desperation for me. If I'm to be transformed I must be desperate.

I am learning that transformation will not happen because of my good deeds or intentions. Not that my good deeds aren't powerful, but they could never replace the power that lies within my relationship with my God. I am transformed when I cling to the one who changes things. Change may not happen in my circumstances, but something very powerful happens to my heart and this is freedom.

Oh Daddy God in 2008 please keep this heart desperate for you, because the truth is I am absolutely lost without you.

Ms. Pac Man is taking over our house...

2008-01-06T23:07:00.000-06:00

It all started out very innocent...

One of Zac's gifts was a plug and play Ms. PAC-Man. Hans and I started out just playing it with the kids for fun and now I must tell you it is out of hand. We are no longer challenging the kids we challenge each other. We call "NEXT GAME" and will fight the children who may come in seconds after we call that they must get in line. I think the first step in conquering this addiction for myself (H is still unable to confess he has an issue) is talking about it. I have made a list of some of the situations that have confirmed that we do in fact have ISSUES!

You know you have addictions to Ms. PAC- Man when......

You fight, manipulate, or bribe your kids to go first, or play 2 maybe 3 games in a row.

You insist to your kids you will not be playing it on date night because you rented a movie and we only play it to be with y'all. Liar!! You play it for over an hour on date night and it is still not enough.

You sneak in the playroom to play while pretending to be holding the baby while you really are holding him you are also sneaking a few games with the volume off so as not to be busted by your spouse.

You shout and make obscene jesters maybe even curse the game and ghost (I won't mention any names- maybe cause it's me - maybe not...I'll never tell).

You know the ghosts by name.

You Google to find secret tricks to mastering the game.

You refer to BLINKY as DEMON POSSESSED! (for those Ms Pac Man amateurs out there this is the red ghost - who by the way will chase you and on the blue screen is faster than you unless you turn alot).

You begin to curse the controller and want to throw it because it is messing up.

You purchase the game on your cell phone so you can get in more practice and beat your spouse.

These are just a few of the issues that have reared up since this DEMON POSSESSED game has entered our home.

We covet your prayers now more than ever!

Where Have I Been??

2008-01-05T13:13:00.000-06:00

I hate that I have been away from my blogging life for so long, but I promise I'm coming back. Life would not slow down for me to even go to the bathroom alone so as you can imagine to sneak away to blog was impossible.

We had some of our close friends and their four children in from Texas for Thanksgiving. It was so much fun and we loved having them. We celebrated Zac's 8Th birthday on Thanksgiving Day.

My milk almost dried up due to busyness and stress and trying to get it back was worse than having twin newborns. For those of you who are wondering how in the world do you get it back well, lots of rest and constant nursing. Rest...what's that? I had to get it back since I plan on nursing Cal until he's four, since he's the last baby and all. Okay so maybe not quite that long, but I wasn't ready to wean him at 5 months.

I got my milk back and then 3 of the six kids took turns being sick. Then of course H and I got sick also. Just after this drama we just moved on to the next one. I felt God confirming the call I had been feeling to pull Zac and Ryland out of school and bring them home to home school. Kylie, my 8th grader, is at home but my technique for schooling her is "Hey Ky go school yourself". No...... not really, well maybe. Zac is 2ND grade and Ryland is 1st and even though it sounds a little crazy I am very excited about it. Some where in the middle of all this I did get my hair done.

Well then, we had Christmas and you must know I love, love, love Christmas time. It is by far my favorite time of year. I love the lights, cookies, trees, parties and fires. I love all of the smells, Christmas cards, and feeling that it would be okay to just relax and be with family and friends. I love Christmas music and telling the Christmas story to my children. I love the conversations we have about Jesus and the hope that Christmas gives us all.

Just before Christmas we had a "FREE GARAGE SALE". Me and the kids cleaned out toys, clothes, bikes, baby items and packed it up to take into a very poor area of town. I loved watching their little hearts have compassion for those who have less and decide that they wanted to give a toy they really liked because they "just knew another little boy or girl would love this toy". We went with our small group and set up in an open field and gave. We advertised for people to come and Christmas shop. We had cookies, cider and hot chocolate in the morning and hot dogs for lunch. We had a fun jump for their kids to enjoy while they shopped and a wrapping station where we wrapped all of their gifts for FREE!! People could not believe it was all free. Getting to see and hear of peoples thankfulness was a gift to our family. There were so many stories. One lady with tears in her eyes told us she did not know what she was going to do. They just weren't going to have Christmas this year. I can't explain what this did for all of our hearts.

Then we had picture day. You know the day, it's the day when you prepare for the Christmas card photo. The whole family gets dressed all nice and we all pose and smile for the perfect photo(nothing like real life). I beg Hans every year to let some one come over just to take the picture for us, and he insists every year on propping the camera on something (this year a diaper box), and then setting the timer while he makes a mad dash to get in the picture. Right when the picture snaps the little ones are turned around looking at daddy to see where he's going in such a hurry.

But we made a pact that this year was going to be different. This year no one was going to fight or talk ugly we were going to make picture day a good memory for all involved. I was still upstairs getting ready when I hear Hans and Zac going at it. Tears and major frustration and they were only taking test shots. I'm sure you can imagine this got everything off to a good start. In the middle of the picture I had to stop to nurse since Cal was trying to latch on to anything that moved and after that everyone was done. Nice. We should have just sent you the one where I was nursing and everyone else was either crying, yelling or whining and Tinslee was eating a candy cane just to keep her in the room. That would have been some real family life from the Molegraaf's. So why in the world do we do it?? Because after all of the hard work we hopefully get at least one cute photo and I know we love to get every one's so it's become a Christmas tradition.

We went home to Texas to be with family for Christmas and it was wonderful. We are back home. The decorations are down. Hans went back to work, and the kids and I start school on Monday. I wish it were Christmas everyday!

Throwin' a fit...

2007-11-20T10:28:00.000-06:00

On Friday of last week I had a had a hair appointment. I drive out to Conway to this cute little shop that I love to get my hair cut and highlighted. It is a little far to drive, about thirty five minutes, but it's very inexpensive and they do great work. Well apparently it's not inexpensive enough.

I come down stairs all excited about my hair appointment only to have my dream for the day shattered by the money man in our house. I come down stairs early that morning to find H on the computer doing "the money". This is almost never a good thing and it is usually a time a choose to disappear. Why would he be doing this just before my appointment with sweet bliss?

I love getting my hair done. It is a time I get to go alone and sit and receive some pampering, and we don't even need to mention how cute I am after.

Anyway, I come down stairs with so much joy for the day and yes I'm aware this is a little shallow a little self absorbed..... but then it happened.... I was crushed by the hair Nazi. If you are a Seinfeld fan and you remember the famous episode with the soup Nazi you are beginning to get a picture of how my morning was shattered. The money Nazi looks my way and says "NO HIGHLIGHT FOR YOU"!

What, no highlight?? No chunky blond streak that starts at the root?? Couldn't he have just waited until after my appointment? I know this would mean we would be eating mac and cheese, ramen and ice,for the next week, but we could sacrifice.....Right??

Hair Nazi was not feeling me on the sacrifice. So one quick phone call and a simple cancellation later and my day was crushed. Now I know this is letting some of you just a little to close to the wickedness of my flesh. I know there are those of you who are thinking "man could she be anymore selfish", but I also know some of my sisters are about to shed a tear on my behalf.

Okay maybe tears is a bit of an exaggeration, but I know some of you can relate. It has been four months since my last highlight. I have stretched it as far as it can go. My roots feel like they are half way down my head.

I'm all ready feelin a little ugh with my after baby body. My tummy looks like I am still three (okay maybe four) months pregnant and we won't even discuss the double D issue I got goin' on. I would never pay money for boobs this big. I feel like a milk production company over here. I could feed a small country people! I was just needin' a little highlight to make me feel cute again.

After a morning full of kicking, screaming, hair pulling, and maybe even some biting(from me not the children) my husband thought I might need a little encouraging. This little cancellation has sent me in a downward spiral. At this stage, I had used this little hiccup as reason to leave the ministry and for H to get a job where he could "provide for our family". I just wanted a little six figure guaranteed income. Is this to much to ask? I mean us girls have hair needs...right?

Hans calls me over to sit in his lap and look with him at CNN online. The headline reads how thousands were killed in the cyclone that hit in Bangladesh. There are pictures of people who are grieving because they have lost everything. They have not only lost all of there stuff but loved ones as well. Wives have lost their husbands, mamas have lost their children, children have lost their brothers and sisters. We are talking about devastation, real devastation.

Here I sit in my house with heat, air, and running water. We have beds to sleep in and a refrigerator full of food. I'm certain that even if we were eating mac and cheese and ramen it's still better than what they will eat today. Not only are all of my needs met and then some...I have my husband and our six children to kiss and hold when ever I want. We are all healthy and we know that we will eat, bathe and sleep in a bed tonight.

My heart sank, I was broken. Here I sit with much and I am literally throwing a fit about hair. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with us getting our hair done. I am simply talking about focus, about being aware, about getting it. Through my fit I was made aware that I don't get it.

Forgive me Lord Jesus. I want to get it.

Remember When...

2007-11-15T13:25:00.000-06:00

Someone recently asked me "How do I get it all done with six children"? I actually get asked this question quite a bit. Why anyone would look my way and think I get half of what needs to be done, done, is beyond me. The answer is quite simple. Are you ready for the answer? Its actually quite profound...I don't!!

Three years ago when asked this question I would have given someone a detailed plan on how I organized my day. The funniest thing (some of you can attest to this) is I used to have a detailed daily schedule hanging on my fridge for each member of our family. When I tell you detailed I mean detailed. This schedule gave an account for every fifteen minutes if needed. I'm thinkin that's a little much...don't you? Some may think that the Lord grows us into that. I'm thinkin thank you God that you grew me out of that.

Please don't misunderstand my heart on this matter. For some, that kind of organization may be exactly what they need and could possibly be an excellent tool. For me, however, it was a miniature god.

For years in my walk with the Lord I was obsessed with getting it right. In my mind there was a right personality type and a wrong one. If I, being totally honest here, would have looked into my life today, I would have thought....that girl needs to get her act together. The problem with my obsessive organization was that I thought had all of the answers. The problem with thinking I had all the answers is I had no need, or no desperation for God.

I think I deceived myself into thinking my togetherness was because of God's power in my life, but really there was a lot of self sufficient power/checklist in my life. When the Lord gave us our sweet Tinslee I began to break.

I guess we all have our breaking point. By myself, I thought I could manage four children, a husband, and all that comes with that. I had expectation's of what my life needed to look like and I did everything in my power to make it happen...and I succeeded to a certain extent.

While pregnant with Tinslee I just couldn't keep up the "SuperMom" act any longer. The Lord used multiple situations, circumstances, people, and failures to show me I didn't have to keep it up. Thank God for my failures because it was is through them that I discovered truth. I began to realize this "SuperMom" person I was trying to measure up to didn't exist.

SuperMom misses out on precious fast moving moments with her husband and kids because she is so busy. Supermom is wasting life chasing the impossible. Supermom believes the lies of her enemy, herself and the Jones' who tell her perfection can be achieved, and if not perfection well then something very close.

After discovering this truth, I've been on a journey of learning to trust God for what he has for me in each day. When I surrender to that my days don't always look like I think they should. I've had to rid myself of my unrealistic expectations. Some of the organizing that used to be so important isn't so important anymore.

In ten, five, or even one year from now I am convinced I won't remember the organizing, cleaning or mindless tasks that I do. I had heard this said so many times before and even in the midst of my blind dysfunction would have given that statement an amen. For some reason now it just hits my heart. I am so thankful it does. Ya see I don't want to miss one precious moment with my husband or our six children for the sake of having it or appearing to have it all together.

There is a country song by Alan Jackson that I love. The song is called "Remember When". In the song he talks about his journey with his wife. He sings of when their love was new and they gave their hearts to each other forever. He sings of times where they came together, fell apart and then broke each others hearts. He sings of a time when little feet were the music they danced to week to week. In this they found love and trust and vowed to never give it up. He reminisces about a day when thirty seemed so old and now it's just a stepping stone. He then reminds his bride of their promise that when the children grew up and move away they won't be sad, but glad for the life they had.

I love this song. I am able to hear it and place H and I right in the song. It reminds me of so much of our life, as I'm sure it does for many others. We are not empty-nesters and won't be for some time, but when we are I want to be glad for all the life we've had. When we are old and gray and Lord willing reminiscing together I want to have precious memories that are not full of regret. I never want to be so busy with things that are never going to impact eternity that I miss out on the things that will.

Some days I just want to get through the day and get to bed. Other days I tell myself just make it two more hours, and then it's date night with my man. There will come a day when I will want to remember the life I am living right now. Right now, in this very moment, I'm living the good ol' days that we hear our grand parents talking about. Did you catch that? Us young mama's, we are going to want to remember these crazy never ending days. I don't want to amen that statement without it really hitting my heart. I pray for God to give my heart the strength and truth it needs to be present in the now. My beautiful crazy messy now.

LAST TIMES

2007-11-12T09:34:00.000-06:00

A few days ago we moved Calvin from the cradle to his crib. He went in with his big brothers into the boy room. Or I should say from my bed into his crib. He slept in his cradle on occasion, but for the most part he slept in my arms right up against me.

Unfortunately I would have never done this with my first two children due to all of the parenting books and classes we were taking. I say unfortunately because starting with the third(Ryland) I let them sleep with us and it was such a beautiful experience for me.

Well there comes a time, and it's been different with each, when it's time for baby to go permanently. That time came a few days ago with Cal. He won't go back and forth from cradle to mommy's arms anymore. He only wants to sleep in my arms and as you can imagine that's causing a bit of a problem. So into the crib he went and to my surprise he was easy. He loves his crib he sleeps so good in it.

Now the problem lies with me. Knowing and grieving that he is the last baby(at least that I will birth and nurse) my heart aches seeing him in his crib. There is just something about the hope of knowing you may one day do it again, and for me that hope is no more.

My mother in law gave our family the children's book by Karen Kingsbury Let Me Hold You Longer. I love this book. In the note from the author Karen talks about how we celebrate our children's first. The first step, tooth, day of kindergarten ect., but somehow along the way we miss their last.

In most situations it is impossible to know when the last occurs. When will they be too heavy to run and jump up into my arms? When will it be the last time they play with my hair "to make it pretty"? When will be the last time they want me to help make a secret hideaway out of blankets and couch pillows? When will be the last time they sleep all night in my arms? Karen ask the question if we knew it was the last would we hold on to that moment a little longer?

I think I would, hold on a little longer if I knew it was the last. So for all us mama's here to holding on just a little longer, it could be the last.

Here's to Lookin at the Bright side

2007-10-29T11:46:00.000-05:00

Saturday we went up to our subdivision clubhouse for a safety first day. We saw a firetruck, a police boat, ambulance etc. They had moon jumps for the kids and we just kinda hung out cause the weather was beautiful.

When we got home we were on the porch fixin to open the door and Zac is going on and on about a stinch.

Zac- What's that smell? Ewwwwweeeee!!! It stinks like a fart!! Gross who FARTED?

Me- Thinking- Can't he say toot or something?! Why do boys love to say FART!

Kylie, Caleb and Ryland- Not me, I didn't fart, nope not me.

Me- There was a dirty diaper up here before we left that daddy took to the outside trash...everybody calm down...that's probably what your smelling.

Zac- No that definitely smells like a fart!!

Me- Thinking- How in the world can he be so sure that he knows the difference?? Whatever.

Ryland- SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF, Actually it smells like some eggs. Sniff again. Yep, that's definitley eggs. Kinda smells good!

ME- Thinking- Okay that's definitely what I call lookin' on the bright side!

WHO AM I ANYWAY??

2007-10-22T21:30:00.000-05:00

Not to long ago I went to a bible study at our church. Its super laid back and designed for moms. No pressure, come when you can, nothing to prepare, and there's food!!

We had a little project where we cut out of magazines things that best described us and glued them to a piece of paper. Well, while the women were working on this I was nursing Cal, but loved seeing all of the different collages and wanted to make one. My friends were laughing at me cause while everyone was done and cleaning up I was trying to finish mine. I loved this little project. My collage had a huge cup of coffee on it, a cut out of children all similar in age to my own, a washing machine, something that said simple solutions, and weight loss. You get the picture...right?

When I got home I couldn't wait to show H my little project. He was not as excited about it as I was. A few days later it caught my eye and I picked it up and just looked at it. I liked looking at it. Here on this piece of paper was my life and it was so cute. Even the washing machine was pretty cute (only because it wasn't mine). MY washing machine sounds like it's preparing for take off somewhere into the unknown. This was a fancy front loader where I could do 5 days worth of laundry in 1 load. A dream machine.

Anyway, at our couples small group last week H had us get an index card and in three minutes write out who we are and then read it to our group. Again I'm thinking what a cute lil' project. I love that God has me in a place where I am able to love who he has created me to be. Not that my life is perfect or even close it's actually quite chaotic. Not that I have all of the answers cause most days I feel as though I have none. And not that it's all joy and laughter cause truth be told there is alot of hair pulling, fit throwing, biting, tears and even some kicking and screaming, and that's just H and I.

Like my collage I found myself rereading my little index card and thinking this is my life and best I can I sorda like it in fact I think I love it. Here is what I wrote.....I am a 33 year old woman. I am a wife to Hans and mother to Kylie, Zac, Ryland, Caleb, Tinslee and Calvin. I love thunderstorm, fires, and bublebaths. I love to read, blog, and jog( I am also obviously a poet). I love, love, love, coffee. I admire Queen Esther and how God choose her for a specific purpose at a specific time to do and be exactly what he created her for. I love that she stood in spite of her fear to save her people. I am passionate, compassionate, and a lover of people. My heart aches for people who die because they don't have enough food to eat. I am a woman with a passion and deep desire to pray for broken hurting marriages because I have experienced death/resurrection in my own. I am a daughter to the KING of KINGS!!

Thank you God for choosing me for my life. Thank you for giving me Hans and each of my children. Thank you for even my struggles/failures without them I would not be the woman I am today. Thank you God for being my father, for loving me perfectly. Thank you for being the controller of the universe and still having the time to manage my life even though some days I think I could do a better job.

Tent Camping with 6 Children

2007-10-11T10:16:00.000-05:00

Last weekend H and I packed up our six children and we went camping. Tent camping that is...no motor home...no camper...not even a stinkin fan! It was hot and humid and the bugs were a biting!

We rented a great family camp site with our small group with our own private bathroom and fishing pond. There were 7 families with 26 kids in all. Here are some of the highlights/low lights of the "camping trip".

HIGH- Getting to be close and in touch with nature
LOW- Sleeping in a tent and being entirely to close and in touch with nature

HIGH- Coffee in the morning sitting around chatting with friends
LOW- Your friends are there all the time even when you need to yell at your kids

LOW- The huge fight H and I got into on the way up
HIGH- Making up while setting up our tent (H admitting he was wrong hee-hee)

LOW- The fire ants that Caleb attacked and therefore bit him all over the ankles
LOW- The swelling that occurred because of the bites
LOW- Having to give him benedryl just before a hike
HIGH- Giving him more benedryl just before bed-YEAH!

HIGH- Hiking down to a beautiful waterfall
LOW- Having to wear Cal in the snuggly on the hike
LOW- Zac's meltdown because his shoes were covered in mud and "ruined"
LOW- No compassion on my end so in his anger he purposefully wipes his dirty muddy shoe all over my clean one.....MAN I'M GONNA HURT THAT KID!
LOW- Hans thinks he left our camera down at the waterfall after we had headed back
LOW- Hans has to go back to look for it
LOW- Tessi(our friend) had our camera the whole time

LOW- Trying to cook smores around a camp fire with way too many kids
LOW- Trying to give six kids a shower
HIGH- Showers are done and it's bedtime
LOW- Caleb had 20 nightmares the first night
HIGH- Me responding so sweet to the first 10- I would get out of the bed and rub his sweet face telling him "mommy's here it's okay"
LOW- My response to the next 10- through gritted teeth not even getting up to comfort him- "Caleb stop it right now"
HIGH- everyone sleeps better the second night

HIGH- Corie and Kylie leading all of us in worship on Sun. morning
HIGH- Sharing our stories with each other reminding our selves of God's grace to each of us
HIGH- Getting to sing Amazing Grace all together

LOW/HIGH- Leaving
HIGH- Sleeping in my bed

Will we camp again? Most definitely!!

No More Babies??

2007-10-11T08:25:00.000-05:00

Many of you have read Hans' blog on his vasectomy. Many of you know this is something we have threatened several babies ago and obviously changed our mind. I remember years ago Hans and I met a couple who had surrendered there family size to the Lord and they decided to have as many children as he wanted to give them.......I also remember Hans and I thinking they were crazy!

After having Ryland, which at the time was a scary thing for us(Zac was only 8mos old when I got pregnant with her), the Lord just sort of lead H and I to the same conviction about our family size one child at a time. So 7 babies and 2 miscarriages later here we are. We never used any birth control but found ourselves asking the Lord for each one after Ryland except Cal.

We had just moved to Little Rock and having a baby was not on either of our radars. We were still not using any birth control and I was weaning Tinslee, but still we were surprised, okay shocked to find out we were having another baby. Honestly I was so overwhelmed with life that another baby just made no sense to me. Was God sure he knew what he was doing on this one?

I am a firm believer that God is totally sovereign and nothing takes him by surprise. I love that I get to play a part in creation, but recognize my humanness enough to know that it is God who gives life and also decides when that life moves on into another realm which I believe to be heaven or hell.

Having my sweet Calvin Stephen I am so thankful that I don't always get to choose what I want. I was so broken from moving away from the only place I call home my heart knew nothing of what our family needed. God knew exactly what he was doing.

I find that God is constantly teaching me through each of my children, but just in giving birth to Cal and having him daily God continues to bless my heart with rich lessons on surrender. When the sweet doctor who delivered Cal and did my surgery after birth said no more, somewhere inside of me I knew that this was it for me,and I would probably not give birth again. I really wrestled with God on this one. I wasn't ready to make this decision. I wasn't so sure about what God was doing here. Believe it or not I can't imagine not getting to have another baby. Through alot of prayer and counsel from friends and family we felt as much as anyone can that this was a right decision for our family. Surrender. Man sometimes I hate surrender!

So here I sit surrendered to God and what I believe to be his plan for our life. Maybe one day we will adopt a child and this will be a whole new birthing experience? Let me just assure you this will take God speaking directly into Hans' heart, but I trust that he is a man surrendered to God and his plan for our life. If God speaks this to our hearts we will follow him.

Talk to me in a couple of years when our house feels completely controlled by children and Hans and I are wondering if we were crazy. Because if I've learned one thing about God that will probably be the time he will call our hearts to adopt. If so I hope I will see it as I do now and just surrender. Surrender is where my journey with God began and I have a feeling it's where I must fight my ego, flesh, and enemy to stay.

Lord please help me to cherish each minute of each day with my children and let my heart never forget these days and the ones to come.

His Mercies are New Everyday

2007-10-01T15:46:00.000-05:00

I love my children, I really do. What I do not love is waking up at 6am with one of them in my face, can I get an amen??

ME: sleeping peacefully at 6am

CALEB: whispering-tapping me- hey mommy, mommy

ME: waking up very annoyed- What Caleb?(doesn't this kid know it's practically the middle of the night?)

CALEB: still whispering-Hey mommy I need to ask you sompen?

ME: thinking- his room better be on fire or something.

CALEB: holding a pair of goggles- R deese my goggles?

ME: Is he kidding? Silent Prayer- Lord I know its only 6am, but is it possible to get some of tomorrows mercies today?

REAL Family Life

2007-09-26T21:46:00.000-05:00

Most days I absolutely love my life. Yesterday however was not one of these days. The day started out great. I woke up to the sweet smell of my coffee (that's always a good thing), and I even had some great alone time - just me God and Cal.

Hans left early to meet with some friends for coffee and accountability, but assured me he would be back so we could have a little time before he worked on our support from home that morning. I go out for a little jog and come home with a message from Ky to call Daddy at work. At work?? His accountability group had switched from Starbucks to the office (K-why would anyone do that?). Anyway, this means he is staying at work and will come home in the afternoon to do support. Well I've told you before it bums me out if I'm looking forward to some time with him and don't get it, so we start the day with disappointment #1.

Disappointment #2 comes when I realize he took the Suburban cause he thought he'd be back, but he's not and I've got to go to Sams/Walmart today. You know what I mean, when you have put it off for so long and if you don't go you will have to feed your family ice for dinner.

So I have to take Hans' no AC, not even sure if it has a paint color, 1975 Dodge Dakota..... K-so it's not quite that old, but it might as well be, ya know. The topper is it's raining so I have to shove the $500 worth of groceries in the front with me which means not only can I have zero pride while driving this thing, I will look like a little head sticking out of a pile of groceries. Also, I can't take the baby and I have to come home in between the Sams-Walmart run to nurse him. The fact is I already hate Sams/Walmart day and none of this is helping. Dissappointment #3

I rush home with the idea that I will cook us a meal and hope to eat it with them before I rush out to a mandatory meeting for Family Life women. At this point I am attempting to keep it together. I am unloading groceries, cooking dinner, helping kids with homework, refereeing fighting children, and somewhere in there nursing the baby - again. After this goes on for about and hour I am beginning to feel I might loose it. I look over on the couch and Hans is napping soundly in the midst of the chaos. Disappointment #4- Now he is holding the baby who was screaming but has now stopped and is sleeping soundly with him, but I'm still feeling a little bitter. Loosing it is approaching very quickly now. How in the heck can he sleep when I'm about to have a mental breakdown?

I run upstairs realizing I have 20min to get out the door and I have not even showered yet. I take a quick shower and try to find something that doesn't scream I'm still pregnant (since I'm not) to wear to this meeting. I try on several pair of jeans and end up choosing the ones that give me a pretty bad muffin top, great! I leave with no time for dinner and settle for a protein bar instead, so this means I'll be starving all night Disappointment #5.

I am late picking up friends that are riding with me and if that's not enough realize I need gas. Thanks Hansy for driving the suburban and leaving it on E! Disappointment #6. We are late to a meeting with around 150 ladies and the only available table is you guessed it in the very front of the room. Immediately after arriving you know who, wants his personal buffet of milk. I try and be discrete and pull my chair off to the side wall to nurse. I don't have on a nursing bra because you could see the thick straps with the cute I'm not pregnant anymore shirt I was wearing. When I am done nursing I cannot fix my bra it least not discretely like I I'd like too. It's a huge bullet proof, padded, double D strapless, and its above my boob pretty much sticking out of my shirt. Do you have a visual? I look like I have three boobs. I try to reach in and adjust discretely, but there is absolutley no hope of that. Disappointment #6 and #7.

However, after the meeting at about 10pm I hang around and have some great laughs with friends. I come home and nurse my sweet baby again who goes right to sleep and I get to snuggle up to the man I love and haven't been next to all day long. Life if full of chaos and dissappointment, but it is still none the less a beautiful life. This is the life I was meant to live, and there is nothing else in this world that I love more.

My Salvation

2007-09-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

This past weekend we celebrated my oldest daughters 13th birthday. Her actual birthday was in July, but this was back when Cal (the baby) was just getting out of the hospital and we were dealing with all of his stuff. We had our family party, but last weekend was her party with her friends. Yes, we had a house full of girls ranging in age from 13 to 16. Fun times!! Her daddy and I are still recovering this Mon. morn.

I will just start by saying I cannot beleive we have a 13 year old. This is only possible because Hans and I were only 14 when we had her. Ok, not really, but I assure you there were times it felt that way. I was 19 and Hans was 20 and six months into married life we had a precious baby girl. For those of you doing the math, yes we were pregnant when we got married.

Hans and I didn't have a clue as to what we were doing in a marriage let alone raising our first daughter. All I know is that after giving birth to her and getting to hold her in my arms I experienced a love like I'd never known. How is it possible to love someone so much so instantly? Hans and I didn't have a clue, but God did.

I came from a broken home where Jesus was not the focus. Having Kylie was one of the scariest experiences in my life. At the time I had no idea that God was going to use this beautiful baby to introduce me to His unending love for me.

Kylie is my firstborn who was my delivery to Christ's feet. She introduced me to unconditional love. This was the start of a beautiful journey that I would go on with God. You see...God used Kylie for my salvation.

My journey with God continues constantly, even when I am unaware. He continues to use my children, Hans and many others to point me to Him. He is showing me that more than I am here for my children they are here for me.

God thank you for Kylie and the gift that she is in my life. Thank you for the honor it is to get to be her mom. Lord empower me to give to her what she has and continues to give to me.

Nursing Talents

2007-09-22T18:26:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER- If you are one of those individuals who reads other peoples intimate moments and later wishes you hadn't due to the whole TMI (to much information), you may want to stop reading this now.

Just motherhood alone is enough to change any woman. We won't even go into the whole childbirth (at least not in this post), but lets just say motherhood strips us of all dignity.

Nursing my sixth baby is showing me that I have some hidden talents that I would have been completely unaware of had I not had six children. Most moms reading this will relate, the ones who won't have not entered into life with more than two children yet.

1. I have found that I can nurse the baby, check email, and discipline another child (no names), while administering a spanking if necessary. (You know, like when they need it right now and it just can't wait)

2. I can also nurse the baby, cook supper, and talk on the phone. I must admit this one takes real talent. I would not advise beginners to try this one.

3. I can also go potty while nursing the baby. This is the one that I am aware may be TMI, but couldn't leave it out and, I know the veterans can appreciate and even relate to this one. People don't judge until you've been there, desperate times call for desperate measures.

4. Yes I know some of you are wondering and I can wash my hands while nursing the baby.

5. This is one for a serious professional. I have not accomplished this one yet, but do plan on trying it when the time comes. Nurse your sweet baby while riding in the car and baby remains in the car seat. My only obstacle here is other drivers (guess night time is preferable), and my other children in the car would be a bit mortified and maybe a little scarred. We all need a little therapy when we leave our parents house right? Thanks for this one A.

On a serious note, I absolutely love nursing my sweet baby, and am grieving that he will be the last one I nurse. Thank you Jesus for motherhood, and the beautiful provision you give us women to feed our babies like no one else can. Hide this precious memory deep in my heart and let me never forget it.

Compassion with Legs

2007-09-16T21:53:00.000-05:00

We started a new sermon series in church today on the book of Nehemiah. Our pastor talked about Nehemiah's heart for his people. Nehemiah saw a need in Jerusalem and rather than just recognize the need he took action. It says that Nehemiah had compassion on them, and our pastor explained that the word compassion in the Hebrew in this particular verse is a verb. Which means compassion in the text is not the feeling he had, but that he was willing to do something about that feeling.

I have to confess that this convicted my heart. When I say convicted I don't mean condemnation or shame, just that I recognize that I'm not being moved into action in the areas where my heart is breaking. I am quick to cry even mourn over things going on all around me, but I wondered what am I doing to make a difference?

Bill (our pastor) asked us if we believe that one person can change the world? Can one person change the future? Something is going to happen, but because of one person responding to compassion (in the action form), something very different comes to be.

I absolutely believe this! So why am I not responding to the things God is showing me that break his heart? If I am honest why do I sometimes go out of my way to avoid situations that I know will force me into action?

I could list the reasons. Can you relate? I'm too tired, too busy, too overwhelmed with my own life. I'm afraid, afraid of being physically hurt or even rejected. The list could go on, but I don't want it to.

I just started to read "Raising Kids for True Greatness" by Tim Kimmel, and his definition of true greatness is a passionate love for God that demonstrates itself in an unquenchable love and concern for others. It's always cool for me to see God take all that I'm discovering and somehow tie it all together. In this book Kimmel's comment is that we can't point our children in a direction we ourselves are not moving. This very definition is the thing I want more than anything for myself and my children.

So no lessons, nothing to teach just a humble cry for you to please pray for me, for us as a body,that God would break our hearts. God, fill our hearts with compassion that is moved into action in the specific areas that you have uniquely called each of us. Lord Give us hearts to see people the way you see people. Give us the strength and the desire to live out our God given destiny to change the world!

My Coffee

2007-09-13T10:01:00.000-05:00

So I wake up this morning to my three year old (Caleb) receiving some discipline from daddy. Apparently, Caleb went into our bathroom and poured Comet all over the bathroom floor. Yesterday he combined A&D ointment and Burts Bees foot lotion into a glass of water and made a stinkin mess! Today, daddy was sick of this so he was disciplining our little Caleb. While the disciplining goes on I make a quick exit from the bedroom in search of my morning coffee.

I came into the kitchen where Hans had already been spending some time, only to find the coffee pot empty. Empty? Doesn't he know that while he gets to leave and go to work I have a fun filled day where I get to "discipline" Caleb all day long? There's absolutely no way to start a day where six children are involved without my morning coffee. My coffee is like fuel to get me through the day, or it least the first half, then I rely on nap time. I do what any desperate mom would do, and without even brushing my teeth I run to the overpriced neighborhood store to pay $6 for a $3 bag of coffee. On my way out the door I see that Zac has left his lunch and decide to take it to him on the way.

While driving to the store, I must admit I am feeling rather dreadful about starting my day. I like to have some alone time with God and Hans before entering into my chaotic day. Already Caleb is up and running, and Hans is headed in early for a meeting. I'm feeling a little sad that I don't get my alone time with either of my favorite guys.

After purchasing the coffee, I make a quick park of the car and a run into Zac's school with his lunch. The sweet lady in the office calls Zac down to pick up his lunch. I'm waiting for my Zac who comes trotting down the hall in his school uniform (khaki shorts and a polo shirt with an over sized jean jacket on). The jacket is so huge you can hardly tell he has shorts on.. He looks a little dorky, but oh so precious. He greets me with a sweet smile and a kiss. He then thanks me for bringing his lunch and he quickly runs back to class.

I'm just kinda frozen watching my little Z man and loving him like only a mama can. You know the kinda moment I'm having, right? Just a simple moment, where you stand in awe of your life and love it so much, and have such love and gratitude to the one who gave you such beautiful life.

As I made my way slowly back to the car, I realize how God had so graciously met me in my moment. He actually created it for me and helped me to see I didn't miss meeting with him after all. You see, in this moment God spoke a clear message to my heart, right when I needed it.

When I come to him looking rather dorky, but oh so precious to him, he loves me perfectly, like only a daddy can. He has moments with me, like I did with my Zac, constantly. He loves me sooooo incredibly much in every moment. God doesn't even need a cup of coffee to survive a morning with me, his love is enough.

WOW, thanks daddy God. Thanks for loving dorky little me. Thank you for speaking your love over me this morning. Help me God to hear your voice in all of my circumstances, as I suspect you speak way more than I am hearing.

This was the true fuel that I needed that morning, Gods perfect love, and then I had a huge cup of coffee.