I Want More

I don't know what is happening to me. I used to be able to tank up on caffeine and sleep like a baby, but now if I have any caffeine in the evening I am up writing blogs at 1:30 am. Tonight, after laying in bed awake for almost an hour, I asked God if there something I should be doing instead of laying here awake just listening to Hans sleep peacefully after his four cups of coffee. A thought quickly popped into my heart,and I suspect it was God speaking, 'Come and spend time with me.' I answer back, 'Oh yeah, God, we missed that today.' I quickly dismiss the thought with 'Naaa, I'll save that for morning when I really need it.' WHA?? I quickly catch my thought process.

Is that what you are to me God? Am I seeking you primarly because I need you to be one of my fixes? Do I seek you mainly cause there's something in it for me, something for me to gain in this relationship? Is there really that much selfish ambition in my love for you? Yes.

I compared this situation to my relationship with Hans simply because he is someone I love so much. Do I desire time with Hans because I gain something or because I just wanna be with him? Well, usually my motive is because I just wanna be with him. I love him, I love hanging out, talking and sharing myself completely with him. I love hearing his heart and everything that he's experiencing.

When I have time with Hans it does build intimacy, love, trust and so much more, but these things are not my primary motive in being with him. I confess that not everyday in married life is like this and there are days when I don't feel like talking or going on our date, but I go through the motions because I have faith in what they produce. These "things" bring life into our marriage. I will say that I am thankful that right now this is not the primary motivation of my heart. My primary motivation is that I just love this man and I want to be with him.

God often uses my relationship with Hans to show me truth in my relationship with Him. He is showing me that if I can love Hans, who is this imperfect human, with such an amazing love how much more could I love God? He is also showing me that if Hans, in his imperfections, is so good at loving me how much greater is God's love for me? You see, I believe that God knows when I tap into more of his love, there is no greater gift that I could ever receive.

I want to be able to love God with this same motive. I realize that this will never be perfect, but I must confess I want more. I believe in life we are never just on cruise control. I confess that when I first heard this it felt extreme, but yet it has proved true for me, I am either headed in a direction of oneness or moving away from it. I can trick myself into believing that I'm just coasting along, but really when I am satisfied with things just as they are I find I am just growing content with not growing.

I want God to change my heart in the primary reason why I seek him. I want to long to be with him just because I love him so much. I want to desperately desire alone time with him to listen and to hear the intimate things of his heart, and to share myself completely with him. I know that naturally I reap what comes with this beautiful relationship, I only desire that my motive be different. I know that over the years in my walk with God I continue to enter into new places of love with him. These new places of intimacy are almost indescribable. I want more.

Looking at that picture of Hans and I, we were just two kids raising one another. I was so happy, just married, in love with him and our precious baby girl. However, looking back I am so thankful that God has taken that love and made it so much more. Just because it is more today doesn't mean it wasn't beautiful then, but I do believe that just as we grow and change physically God desires that we grow and change spiritually as well.

I know enough to know that only the Holy Spirit can change this heart of mine, so tonight (or this morning rather) at 1:59 am, I ask you God: would you change this heart of mine? Would you do what only you can do, and cause it to chase after you simply because of who you are? Open the eyes of my heart that I may understand more of your love. I believe that if I just understood, if I just "got it"- WOW!

Lavish me Lord.